Great Expectations

I watched the rest of the iMarriage series- about an hour of material- and then watched them again with the Wifey. We both took a lot of good stuff away after watching. It spurred on a huge, but strangely not too painful, conversation that lasted well through the day. Usually when we go into relationship triage mode it's full of tears, yelling, and carefully crafted blame assigning. This time, however, I think we both felt relief from our newfound knowledge. We're not the only ones who create unreasonable, unattainable expectations for our spouses, as part of a core framework for our marriage. From day one we have had standards for each other to live up to, with no hope of ever going over and above the call of our respective duties.
I love you because of who you are, not because of what you do, even though I'm so very proud of what you do.That is a sentiment my Dad sent me away with the other week when we left his house and it has been constantly challenging me to treat my Wife the same way. That's the message of iMarriage that I need to embrace and execute on a daily basis. No expectations, just love, because you can't change somebody. They are going to be whoever they are forever, which is hopefully why you married them in the first place.

My post about Sure Things, for example, is an unrealistic expectation. Those times in life, the sex is expected by society and "normal" pressures, so if it doesn't happen, everybody feels let down. If it does happen, nobody gets credit for it. Just like Valentine's Day. Every schmuck buys the dinner out, roses and box of chocolates and every woman acts like it's what she deserves, because of an arbitrary date on the calendar. If the guy does it on March 14th, it's like Whoa! Awesome! I love flowers and chocolate- you're so romantic and thoughtful!

I'm pursuing this "No Expectations" policy as kind of a Zen type thing. When I start to feel that frustration creeping in, I just look at the big picture and think, "Don't expect anything, let her surprise you with what she does do." I'm also trying to apply that to other areas of my life by just taking each day as it comes to me. I assume every one else it only concerned with their own self-interest and doesn't care about me and my needs. Then, when somebody does take an interest in what I'm doing, I will be flattered.

iMarriage

I was talking with my Dad the other day who mentioned a series of lectures/sermons/lessons about marriage called iMarriage. He said that it was educational even after 18 years of marriage, when he and his wife went through them several months ago. I'm always looking for a Christian perspective on how to be a husband, especially since Jesus wasn't married or in any kind of sexual/romantic relationship, as far as the canonized Bible tells us. The DaVinci Code's conspiracy theory aside, I believe that if it were important, at least one of the Gospel writers would have said something.

Paul's view of marriage in I Corinthians 7 are confusing at best and completely not inspiring sexually. Basically, only get married if you can't be celibate, because it's better to not go to Hell, if you have the choice. I hate to cherry pick the scriptures that I believe in, but this one baffles me.

Then there's the Song of Solomon. That's always the poetic gold standard for Biblical sexuality. Give me a Kama Sutra any day over the Song of Solomon! I need an instruction manual- illustrated would be best!

Clearly, I'm frustrated and confused, as is the theme of this whole blog...I hope iMarriage will shed some light.

A Sure Thing

Is there such a thing as a "Sure Thing?" Prom night, Wedding night, Birthday, Anniversary? Is there ever a time when you just don't have to work really hard to get some action. You can just wake up in the morning and know it's going to happen- just because it's your turn today. Is it just a myth? Strangely, New Years Eve seems to be the closest thing we have.

The Wifey and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. One episode introduced the relationship concept of Reachers and Settlers, meaning there is always someone who has to try hard to impress someone who is "better" than the Reacher. I feel that way a lot. Admittedly, I married up, socio-economically, but Wifey has let herself go physically and Daddy in-law isn't paying  her way since we got married (aside from some crisis bailouts). Ultimately her standard of living went down and mine stayed the same or improved, depending on how you look at it.

Don't be alarmed, I'm not going to go into an economics rant right now. This is indeed about sex, but I believe one half of every romantic couple perceives his or her sexual value as higher. Is there any occasion where that farcical sexual value goes out the window? There should be and I'm really frustrated that I can't explain that to her without having the "I have no way of knowing what works for you because of too many extenuating circumstances" talk, again. It's not that I don't have "Game," because I do. Nothing seems to work on her anymore in terms of putting on the moves. Sometimes I want to not have to put on the moves and simply enjoy the fact that I supposedly won the game when I put the ring on it.



Speaking of extenuating circumstances...She wants to go out on dates, but she gets diarrhea when we eat at most restaurants- even if she gets over that by the time we go to a movie and get home- I know she's been leaking fecal matter from 2 inches below her vagina in uncontrollable bursts- define "Deal Breaker!" That event has played out countless times, seriously, more than I can count- perhaps you could call that a "Sure Thing." We can eat at home- I can do all the work (prep and cleanup)- and she's still not happy. A night together at home isn't worthy because it didn't cost enough money and a typical night out costs a lot of money and is almost certainly going to fail- based on 8 years of statistical analysis. (I'm going to skip the dirty hippy health and nutrition being a huge interpersonal incongruence rant for another day too.)

It's not even that I want it to be a definite Go For Launch each time we have a date night, but I'm sick of the pity and the false pretenses. I keep coming back to honesty in this blog, perhaps that's the key here. I don't deal well with veiled meanings. Typing that sentence underlines how much I think like a dude too, which probably isn't helping much!




"Sure Thing"

Love You Like a Brother
Treat you like a friend
Respect you like a lover

You could bet that
Never gotta sweat that [x4]

If you be the cash
I'll be the rubberband
You be the match
Imma be your fuse
Boom!
Painter baby you
Could be the muse
I'm the reporter baby
You could be the news
Cause your the cigarette
And I'm the smoker
We raise a bet...
Cause you're tha joker
Truth tho...
You are the chalk
And I could be the blackboard
And you can be the talk
And I could be the walk

Even when the sky comes falling
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die
We can do it baby simple and plain

Cause This Love Is a Sure Thing

You could bet that
Never got to sweat that [x4]

You could be the lover
I'll be the fighter babe
If I'm the blunt
You could be the lighter babe
Fire it up!
Writer babe
You could be the quote
If I'm the lyric baby
You could be the note
Record that!
Saint, I'm a sinner
Prize, I'm a winner
And it's you
What can I do to deserve that
Paper baby
I'll be the pen
Say that I'm the one
Cause you are ten
real and not pretend!

Even when the sky comes fallin
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty lil hand in mine
Even when were down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die
We can do it babe simple and plain
Cause this love is a sure thing

Rock wit me baby
Let me hold you in my arms
Talk with me baby
[x2]

This love
Between you and I
As simple as pie baby
Such a sure thing
Oh is it a sure thing [x2]

Even when the sky comes fallin
Even when the sun don't shine
I got faith in you and I
So put your pretty little hand in mine
Even when we're down to the wire babe
Even when it's do or die
We can do it baby simple and plain
This love is a sure thing
Love you like a brother
Treat you like a friend
Respect you like a lover 

Kiss and Makeup

I've always hated makeup on women. When a woman puts on lipstick to impress a guy, it doesn't make a guy want to kiss her- it makes him want to put his dick in her mouth. Lipstick tastes bad and is messy. As soon as the kiss happens, the illusion of larger, perfectly shaped lips is gone. True, most dudes won't stop making out with a chick if they find a tiny flaw in the lips, but who wants to be duped in the first place? Just be honest.

Makeup is fun for actors or for Halloween- to make yourself something you aren't. Sexiness comes from healthy, vibrant, truth that can only come from honesty. Thankfully the Wifey never used much makeup and my dirty hippy side appreciates that immensely. Recently, she started selling Mary Kay cosmetic products and is supposed to wear the products everywhere she goes- DOH!

Sure she looks good and wears it well, but I hate the fact that she spends 20 minutes at a time putting on her face and knows that I don't give a fuck about it- but always asks me how she looks anyway. I hate that I have to wipe off my face and or lips every time she kisses me goodbye to leave the house. I hate that she smells like makeup now all day every day- like my mother and grandmother, because scent is so closely tied to memory.

I also hate that I'm so conflicted about this. My punky side says she's selling out and following convention and trying to look "normal." Wifey doesn't have a punky side. Likewise, I think it's quite sexy that Wifey is working so hard, trying to contribute to our combined happiness both financially and socially. It's sexy that she's trying to look nice and wear professional style clothes more often. I guess I'm trying to say I am having to pick my battles carefully.

Bubblegum, for example, makes me want to wretch. If she is chewing it, she knows I don't want to have anything to do with her, much less her kisses. Makeup isn't that strong of a deterrent, but I need to decide if it's worth "training" her to kiss me before she gets made up for the day and then not kissing me again until after she washes it all off at night- that's going to go well.

Nutritional Viagra

I'm trying to bone up on my reproductive nutrition- for the procreative side and the recreational side of sex. For example, I frequently see that Zinc is an important mineral for dudes. I also just learned from The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity that Lecithin is a vital fat for the production of semen and spinal fluid. Lecithin with Vitamin C is supposed to make a person smarter, due to increased spinal fluid, and nervous tissue communication. Muscle and Strength states that, "For men, the male semen contains a considerable amount of lecithin. If you supplement your diet with soy lecithin you may be able to increase the amount, as well as the volume of prostate secretions. This means that the volume of semen when you ejaculate will be increased."

According to Master Men's Clinic, "...it is true that a man’s feeling of orgasmic pleasure is in part attributable to the volume of ejaculate: the greater the volume of ejaculate the more intense the orgasm." AskMen adds, "Increased volume translates into increased potency (the more sperm, the better the chance of impregnation) and increased pleasure (the larger the volume, the greater number of pleasurable muscle contractions)."

I also just learned from Fertile Facts that "A study published in 2002 examined the effect of folic acid and zinc sulfate on male factor subfertility. This large, well-designed clinical trial found a 74% increase in total normal sperm when subfertile men took 66 mg of zinc sulfate and 5 mg of folic acid daily. Sperm count also increased in fertile men, but this was not statistically significant."

Spinach and Arugula eaten together in a very green salad should provide those nutrients. Parsley would help too.

Thanks to Zestful Gardens in Tacoma, Washington for this pic from their recipes page

Water is another key ingredient. According to China Daily's Lifestyle/Health page, "Phenylethylamine is known as the 'love drug'. It is a chemical that mimics the brain chemistry of a person in love and is believed to be the body's natural version of amphetamine...To maintain production of this love drug we need to eat well and stay hydrated...Hydration is so important. Sex is like a game of tennis – it can go on for quite some time and be pretty hot and sweaty, so if you're dehydrated you'll tire easily and it'll be game over all too soon.". Watermelon has cancer fighting compounds which positively affect prostate health and obviously provides hydration as well. Watermelon also has arginine, and Elements4Health tells us that "A study of 50 men with impotence reported significant improved sexual function after arginine supplementation." Let's add that to the list of sexual boosters.

Blood quality and the overall circulatory system is vital to sustaining healthy erections, so Beet juice and leafy greens, like Kale, for iron are prominently featured in my diet.

It's not nutrition, but I also frequently see the advice to wear loose fitting underwear so that the testicles can maintain their cooler than body temperature, temperature. That's easy enough.

Last but not least...Frequency of climax directly affects the volume and quality of the ejaculate. With that logic, the vaguely monthly sex I have should be keeping me brimming with fluids.  That's turning a frown upside down for sure!

Porn is Candy

Here are a couple of musings about porn that I wrote several years ago...specifically talking internet porn since I haven't owned a hard copy of anything for about 20 years now.

The analogy that keeps coming to mind is that porn is like candy. They even call it eye candy, right? Sex with a real, beautiful, talented, multidimensional, caring and wonderfully responsive wife is like the filet minon and garlic smashed potatoes. If a person hasn’t eaten for a month, and someone offers them some free twizzlers, they’ll probably take some and eat them. It’s not going to satisfy the hunger, and if they’d had a steady diet of spectacular tasting fulfilling food in the past, they won’t forget how great real food is, but the twizzlers will work for a little bit, even if they do cause cavities, to at least mask the underlying hunger.

I don’t ever, ever, remember having sex or doing something sexual with anybody where I was thinking about another person. Likewise, I can't remember ever thinking about a porn scene to get me where I was going in a real life situation. Porn isn’t a huge problem for me like it is for a lot of guys. Although I’ve consumed a lot of it over the years, I certainly don’t think I’m addicted- I’ve gone months without even thinking about it. Likewise, I don’t think I’m a sex addict- neither have ever caused me to be broke, miss work, had a disruption of my life or any of the other telltale signs of addiction.

I think I’m at the very light end of the needing kink. I’ve seen a lot of things- I think every possible kind of sex act that can legally be put on film- I know what I like and can easily turn off what I don’t. I guess what I’m saying is that my porn tastes are pretty bland, but there’s this formula for making porn movies that is pretty stupid, not to mention extremely chauvinistic, that's pretty hard to avoid and doesn't bother me enough to be a deal breaker. It's aimed at dudes, I'm in that demographic.

The ultimate porn, of course, would be having a sexy, mutually pleasurable encounter- with maybe a couple of props or fun outfits, with my lawfully wedded wife. There wouldn’t be any peeing, pain, spanking, demeaning acts, or completely one sided stimulation. Just like in real life- those things don’t do it for us, so why would we want to watch ourselves doing it on a screen? I like spice, but not atomic 911 sauce for hotwings. Yes, I dig school girl skirts and mary janes, but I don’t have to have it to get off. There would just need to be a forum to have some fun and be able to re-watch it later.

I have to admit, the facial thing fascinates me- not necessarily in a sexual way, but how it visibly marks the ending, keeps porn stars from constantly getting pregnant, animalistic marking of territory, and how good the chicks are at acting like they like it. I like to believe that actual porn stars that make movies for studios know exactly what they’re getting into, and if they didn’t like it, they could get a job somewhere else. Human trafficking is a different story for a different post, but for the most part, all the porn I’ve truly enjoyed contains women that are apparently having some fun and convincingly have gotten off somewhere in the process. Again, I’m not defending anybody, and I completely understand how a guy shooting sperm all over a girl’s face could put off a person, but I don’t seem to have that particular icky feeling about it as a viewer. Furthermore, I would prefer it if it weren’t part of every porn in the planet now, as part of the aforementioned stupid formula. I really think I could never see it again and I wouldn’t have any issues. It’s well out of my system.

Moving on to the present day...

"But people say to me, "If you're against pornography, are you against sex?" That's like saying to me, if I'm critical of McDonald's, I'm against eating." That was an excellent quote from one of the opponents of porn in this doccumentary:

The Price of Pleasure referred specifically to top "selling" adult films from major studios. I find it hard to support their claim that the "average" tastes of Americans of legal sexual age can be tracked based on those numbers. There is way too much free, virtually untraceable, independently produced porn out there on the internet that is completely outside the net the documentary maker was casting. It's like saying everybody who enjoys the current summer blockbuster, such as The Avengers, is going to be delusional enough to believe that the real world works like that elaborately choreographed, comic book exaggeration of the world. I may enjoy the movie and appreciate the production value, but I will more likely watch an independent film, like Jeff Who Lives at Home, which is beautifully simple and deeply emotionally meaningful. I would trust my worldview to the stripped down, introspective, interwoven love story long before that of Iron Man or Captain America's obviously fictional perspectives. As Robert Kiyosaki says in Rich Dad Poor Dad, "Best selling does not mean best written."

And just for fun:

It All Started with Music

The first time I ever saw my Wife, I noticed her hips moving to music. She is a natural dancer and her hips move to any kind of music that is playing. It was anything but a typical way to meet a chick, since we were both volunteering at a charity fundraiser in a park pavilion. We were both doing massage therapy work on the guests of the party. Pink was playing over the sound system.


 I'm a very musical guy, but not an especially good dancer, which is fortuitous because we both had something to do that kept me from having to try to approach an obviously talented dancer on the dance floor, to make a cold call.

That was in October. The next day after that event, was an "educational" spa techniques party at our massage school's owner's house. I ended up in a huge jacuzzi tub bubble bath soup with about 4 other girls, including the future Mrs. Wifey. From that second encounter, I arranged to give her a massage to fulfill a requirement of hers that was quickly reaching it's deadline. After that massage, we went out to dinner (Denny's), and back to her house to watch a movie (Dogma). For some reason, the question, "Do you like techno?" came up and she put in a CD of really great house music. My answer was "Yes," if it matters, and for the first Christmas together She gave me 3 techno mix CD's.

During those first 6 months together, I was putting hundreds of miles on my car a day, driving from Rockledge, to Vero Beach, to Cape Canaveral and to Melbourne- basically every extreme of Brevard County. I played the Hell out of those CD's in my car and loved it!

Our first well orchestrated date (no pun intended) was to go dancing at Disney's Pleasure Island.  Future Mom-in-law had given us annual passes for Christmas. We fell in love with their 8-Trax club which played 70's and 80's funk, hip-hop, pop, and disco. Michael Jackson, MC Hammer, Madonna, Beegees, Earth Wind and Fire, and Sugarhill Gang to name a few standards.We went back for the closing weekend, another in a long list of reasons I fucking hate Disney World aside from Pleasure Island, and the last song they played was Journey's Don't Stop Believing.


That spring, as an Easter present as if I needed a reason, I took the very soon to be Fiance to her first big name concert- Aerosmith. They were and still are her favorite all time band. I was afraid the tickets I bought were going to be pretty crappy since I didn't even know the Bad Boys from Boston were touring in our area until well past the time tickets went on sale. Amazingly enough, we were dead center, up against the very back wall, right under a bank of spot lights. The folks up there were awesome to hang out with and we actually had a great view of the whole stage. It was a basketball arena type venue, so the sound was going to be excellent throughout.

A couple weeks before the wedding, we shopped for and bought a house in Tallahassee. We were beyond stressed, running out of money fast, and the almost Mrs. Wifey insisted that we go to Best Buy to escape from reality for a little while. We left there with Dido's Life for Rent and DJ Icey's For the Love of the Beat. Both CD's got seriously heavy rotation for months following, for any mood. I'm pretty sure I would have gone batshit crazy without those songs, given the stress level and frustration.

Father of the Bride had burned us a couple CD's for the reception (our DJ got flooded out in a hurricane and cancelled). We both had specifically asked him to include the Beatles' Drive My Car. We had a limo taking us around the morning of the wedding, to separate errands. Neither of us were in the limo at the same time, but we both turned Dad's CD to Drive My Car as soon as he handed it to us, respectively. Dad and my Bro-in law were tickled by that, because they had seen both of us do it with no pre-planning. 


Apparently it's the best song to get pumped for a wedding!

Not that Wifey is a fan of punk at all, but NOFX's song 2 Jealous Agains is perfect for us- our record merger worked better than most other things in our collection of crap at the beginning.