I watched the rest of the iMarriage series- about an hour of material- and then watched them again with the Wifey. We both took a lot of good stuff away after watching. It spurred on a huge, but strangely not too painful, conversation that lasted well through the day. Usually when we go into relationship triage mode it's full of tears, yelling, and carefully crafted blame assigning. This time, however, I think we both felt relief from our newfound knowledge. We're not the only ones who create unreasonable, unattainable expectations for our spouses, as part of a core framework for our marriage. From day one we have had standards for each other to live up to, with no hope of ever going over and above the call of our respective duties.
I love you because of who you are, not because of what you do, even though I'm so very proud of what you do.That is a sentiment my Dad sent me away with the other week when we left his house and it has been constantly challenging me to treat my Wife the same way. That's the message of iMarriage that I need to embrace and execute on a daily basis. No expectations, just love, because you can't change somebody. They are going to be whoever they are forever, which is hopefully why you married them in the first place.
My post about Sure Things, for example, is an unrealistic expectation. Those times in life, the sex is expected by society and "normal" pressures, so if it doesn't happen, everybody feels let down. If it does happen, nobody gets credit for it. Just like Valentine's Day. Every schmuck buys the dinner out, roses and box of chocolates and every woman acts like it's what she deserves, because of an arbitrary date on the calendar. If the guy does it on March 14th, it's like Whoa! Awesome! I love flowers and chocolate- you're so romantic and thoughtful!
I'm pursuing this "No Expectations" policy as kind of a Zen type thing. When I start to feel that frustration creeping in, I just look at the big picture and think, "Don't expect anything, let her surprise you with what she does do." I'm also trying to apply that to other areas of my life by just taking each day as it comes to me. I assume every one else it only concerned with their own self-interest and doesn't care about me and my needs. Then, when somebody does take an interest in what I'm doing, I will be flattered.
