Porn is Candy

Here are a couple of musings about porn that I wrote several years ago...specifically talking internet porn since I haven't owned a hard copy of anything for about 20 years now.

The analogy that keeps coming to mind is that porn is like candy. They even call it eye candy, right? Sex with a real, beautiful, talented, multidimensional, caring and wonderfully responsive wife is like the filet minon and garlic smashed potatoes. If a person hasn’t eaten for a month, and someone offers them some free twizzlers, they’ll probably take some and eat them. It’s not going to satisfy the hunger, and if they’d had a steady diet of spectacular tasting fulfilling food in the past, they won’t forget how great real food is, but the twizzlers will work for a little bit, even if they do cause cavities, to at least mask the underlying hunger.

I don’t ever, ever, remember having sex or doing something sexual with anybody where I was thinking about another person. Likewise, I can't remember ever thinking about a porn scene to get me where I was going in a real life situation. Porn isn’t a huge problem for me like it is for a lot of guys. Although I’ve consumed a lot of it over the years, I certainly don’t think I’m addicted- I’ve gone months without even thinking about it. Likewise, I don’t think I’m a sex addict- neither have ever caused me to be broke, miss work, had a disruption of my life or any of the other telltale signs of addiction.

I think I’m at the very light end of the needing kink. I’ve seen a lot of things- I think every possible kind of sex act that can legally be put on film- I know what I like and can easily turn off what I don’t. I guess what I’m saying is that my porn tastes are pretty bland, but there’s this formula for making porn movies that is pretty stupid, not to mention extremely chauvinistic, that's pretty hard to avoid and doesn't bother me enough to be a deal breaker. It's aimed at dudes, I'm in that demographic.

The ultimate porn, of course, would be having a sexy, mutually pleasurable encounter- with maybe a couple of props or fun outfits, with my lawfully wedded wife. There wouldn’t be any peeing, pain, spanking, demeaning acts, or completely one sided stimulation. Just like in real life- those things don’t do it for us, so why would we want to watch ourselves doing it on a screen? I like spice, but not atomic 911 sauce for hotwings. Yes, I dig school girl skirts and mary janes, but I don’t have to have it to get off. There would just need to be a forum to have some fun and be able to re-watch it later.

I have to admit, the facial thing fascinates me- not necessarily in a sexual way, but how it visibly marks the ending, keeps porn stars from constantly getting pregnant, animalistic marking of territory, and how good the chicks are at acting like they like it. I like to believe that actual porn stars that make movies for studios know exactly what they’re getting into, and if they didn’t like it, they could get a job somewhere else. Human trafficking is a different story for a different post, but for the most part, all the porn I’ve truly enjoyed contains women that are apparently having some fun and convincingly have gotten off somewhere in the process. Again, I’m not defending anybody, and I completely understand how a guy shooting sperm all over a girl’s face could put off a person, but I don’t seem to have that particular icky feeling about it as a viewer. Furthermore, I would prefer it if it weren’t part of every porn in the planet now, as part of the aforementioned stupid formula. I really think I could never see it again and I wouldn’t have any issues. It’s well out of my system.

Moving on to the present day...

"But people say to me, "If you're against pornography, are you against sex?" That's like saying to me, if I'm critical of McDonald's, I'm against eating." That was an excellent quote from one of the opponents of porn in this doccumentary:

The Price of Pleasure referred specifically to top "selling" adult films from major studios. I find it hard to support their claim that the "average" tastes of Americans of legal sexual age can be tracked based on those numbers. There is way too much free, virtually untraceable, independently produced porn out there on the internet that is completely outside the net the documentary maker was casting. It's like saying everybody who enjoys the current summer blockbuster, such as The Avengers, is going to be delusional enough to believe that the real world works like that elaborately choreographed, comic book exaggeration of the world. I may enjoy the movie and appreciate the production value, but I will more likely watch an independent film, like Jeff Who Lives at Home, which is beautifully simple and deeply emotionally meaningful. I would trust my worldview to the stripped down, introspective, interwoven love story long before that of Iron Man or Captain America's obviously fictional perspectives. As Robert Kiyosaki says in Rich Dad Poor Dad, "Best selling does not mean best written."

And just for fun:

It All Started with Music

The first time I ever saw my Wife, I noticed her hips moving to music. She is a natural dancer and her hips move to any kind of music that is playing. It was anything but a typical way to meet a chick, since we were both volunteering at a charity fundraiser in a park pavilion. We were both doing massage therapy work on the guests of the party. Pink was playing over the sound system.


 I'm a very musical guy, but not an especially good dancer, which is fortuitous because we both had something to do that kept me from having to try to approach an obviously talented dancer on the dance floor, to make a cold call.

That was in October. The next day after that event, was an "educational" spa techniques party at our massage school's owner's house. I ended up in a huge jacuzzi tub bubble bath soup with about 4 other girls, including the future Mrs. Wifey. From that second encounter, I arranged to give her a massage to fulfill a requirement of hers that was quickly reaching it's deadline. After that massage, we went out to dinner (Denny's), and back to her house to watch a movie (Dogma). For some reason, the question, "Do you like techno?" came up and she put in a CD of really great house music. My answer was "Yes," if it matters, and for the first Christmas together She gave me 3 techno mix CD's.

During those first 6 months together, I was putting hundreds of miles on my car a day, driving from Rockledge, to Vero Beach, to Cape Canaveral and to Melbourne- basically every extreme of Brevard County. I played the Hell out of those CD's in my car and loved it!

Our first well orchestrated date (no pun intended) was to go dancing at Disney's Pleasure Island.  Future Mom-in-law had given us annual passes for Christmas. We fell in love with their 8-Trax club which played 70's and 80's funk, hip-hop, pop, and disco. Michael Jackson, MC Hammer, Madonna, Beegees, Earth Wind and Fire, and Sugarhill Gang to name a few standards.We went back for the closing weekend, another in a long list of reasons I fucking hate Disney World aside from Pleasure Island, and the last song they played was Journey's Don't Stop Believing.


That spring, as an Easter present as if I needed a reason, I took the very soon to be Fiance to her first big name concert- Aerosmith. They were and still are her favorite all time band. I was afraid the tickets I bought were going to be pretty crappy since I didn't even know the Bad Boys from Boston were touring in our area until well past the time tickets went on sale. Amazingly enough, we were dead center, up against the very back wall, right under a bank of spot lights. The folks up there were awesome to hang out with and we actually had a great view of the whole stage. It was a basketball arena type venue, so the sound was going to be excellent throughout.

A couple weeks before the wedding, we shopped for and bought a house in Tallahassee. We were beyond stressed, running out of money fast, and the almost Mrs. Wifey insisted that we go to Best Buy to escape from reality for a little while. We left there with Dido's Life for Rent and DJ Icey's For the Love of the Beat. Both CD's got seriously heavy rotation for months following, for any mood. I'm pretty sure I would have gone batshit crazy without those songs, given the stress level and frustration.

Father of the Bride had burned us a couple CD's for the reception (our DJ got flooded out in a hurricane and cancelled). We both had specifically asked him to include the Beatles' Drive My Car. We had a limo taking us around the morning of the wedding, to separate errands. Neither of us were in the limo at the same time, but we both turned Dad's CD to Drive My Car as soon as he handed it to us, respectively. Dad and my Bro-in law were tickled by that, because they had seen both of us do it with no pre-planning. 


Apparently it's the best song to get pumped for a wedding!

Not that Wifey is a fan of punk at all, but NOFX's song 2 Jealous Agains is perfect for us- our record merger worked better than most other things in our collection of crap at the beginning.

Four Things to Talk About Before Marriage

 Four Things to Talk About Before Marriage: The Success Rate is Higher When You Agree on These Four

I just read this article from http://www.daveramsey.com. Since I'm a fan of Dave's radio show about financial planning and debt management, and I know he's tackled some major marital stresses as a Christian husband and father for more than 20 years, I was intrigued on what he had to say.

What are the "Big Four?" Money, Religion, Kids, and In-laws. Uhhhhh, what about Sex? Not to say the other four aren't integral components of a healthy marriage, but it drives me crazy that so many people, especially such respectable, experienced, educated people like Dave don't even mention it. Am I incorrect that it's important- maybe #5 on the list that didn't make the cut today?



Money- yes, debt, income and individual contributions to the family's welfare financially are all huge stressors to me and my wife. Those topics constantly burden our relationship and I have to constantly remind myself to shut the fuck up about money sometimes and remember that we are friends and not business partners- even though we are business partners, which is probably a really bad idea- more on that in another post...









Religion- we're both "Christian" with "Methodist" overtones, but years of Christian school education, several different church experiences and the fact that my father is a preacher have skewed me in a different direction than those particular labels usually entail. Thankfully, I feel like I have a practical, useful approach to my relationship with God. I also have VERY strong faith and have never had doubts about the existence of God. Ultimately, the Wife and I are in different places in our spiritual/religious journeys, but have a shared destination and frequently travel together, if that makes sense as a metaphor.

Kids- We both want kids. At least 2- whatever sexes the Lord gives to us- and we'll see how we feel when it's time to consider birth control again. Timing has been a bit of a stress lately because of external pressures and biological internal pressures on Her part. The external pressure is mainly from Her seeing peers on Facebook having babies after 1 year of marriage, right after college. We've been married 7 years, almost 8, and she's been finished with school for 2 years. She chose a career track, devoted 5 of the 7 years following it, and then decided she didn't like it anymore. I don't like placing blame, but Her timing has been more of a holdup than anything I've done. I have been consistently working above expectations during our entire marriage. Had we not pursued all of her goals, we'd have plenty of the aforementioned money to comfortably have a house full of children. Again, I don't feel pressure or regret, but I'm far more objective about our situation than She is.

In-Laws- That's a good one...the article says, "Dave recommends renting for the first six months of marriage (even if you’re in a position to buy) in case you need to move farther away from one of your families than you thought!" My Mom and Step Dad are moving 5 minutes away from us, over the next month. They are a constant stress on our marriage because we're the closest family to them geographically so we get stuck with the "Busy Work" aspect of parental support. We are also the most broke and hardest working of all the applicable siblings. We have to constantly re-examine our boundaries regarding Her in-laws.

We also have a whole lot of respective in-laws, because we both come from divorced, re-partnered parents. Both of our biological dads are on third wives. There are in-laws in Eastern Central Florida, Western Central Florida, New England, and Tennessee. It is always hard to pick which holidays and traditions are shared in which geographical location based on rationed time with each set of parental types and the financial hit we take to get there. That conversation has been pervasive throughout our marriage and always sucks. Neither of us is to blame, but there is certainly emotional and financial stress each and every time it comes up.

My only answer to the in-law dilemma is online social networking- namely Facebook. I have more contact with her family than She does most of the time, because I've got everybody on Facebook. Since She rarely pays attention to her Facebook account, She constantly tells me facts or developments, with great excitement, that I knew about two days or a week prior. Aside from my Mother, most of our in-laws are very content with keeping up via online interactions, because they know that it's much better than depending on a weekly or monthly phone call, which is about all they can expect from us with our current schedules.

To wrap this up, I completely agree that the key is to talk about this all BEFORE marriage. I'm personally very cynical about marriage and it's purpose- which is yet another upcoming post for this blog. I wish constantly that my parents, all 8 of them, would have laid out how they dealt with these 4 issues in their lives and where they could use improvement, so that we could all have a better understanding of how to make a healthy marriage out of a really hot sexual connection I had with a really complex, fascinating woman.

Sexual Tension

I watched a documentary the other night called Let's Talk About Sex. It basically spelled out many of my personal experiences with flawed sexual education and conflicting beliefs that were taught to me as an adolescent.

The documentary maker, James Houston, consulted with several religious leaders in several parts of the US, regarding abstinence only education. This part was especially fascinating to me, having been raised in several churches at a time, from birth, and knowing that I've never been given ANY practical advice about sexuality. Don't have sex until you're married. That's it.

We had 8 parental figures (a divorced mom and dad each with their 4 respective new partners) and 4 grandparents at our wedding. Her Maternal Grandparents were the only married set- long time married but he is not the biological father of the 3 adult children. The Wife and I are the youngest of all cousins and siblings in our respective families. Needless to say, we had a wealth of experienced folks, matrimonially and sexually, at all stages of life and relationship. Did anybody have anything useful to say about how to work this sex type thing into our life, now that it wasn't going to send us straight to Hell? Nope.

Insert bitterness here _______.


I am, I am, I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you too, hurt you too ?

I ain't, I ain't, I ain't
A buyin' into your apathy
I'm gonna learn ya my philosophy
You wanna know about atrocity, atrocity ?

I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know

I am a man, a man
I'll give ya somethin' that ya won't forget
I said ya shouldn't have worn that dress
I said ya shouldn't have worn that dress

I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/stone+temple+pilots/sex+type+thing_20132550.html ]
Here I come, I come, I come

I am, I am, I am
I said I wanna get next to you
I said I gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you too, hurt you too ?

I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know
I know you want what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know

Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come
Here I come, I come, I come

A Pain That I'm Used To

The namesake of this blog is from a Depeche Mode song on the Playing the Angel album. I chose this song because I'm a huge DM fan from way back, but this album came out right before my 1 year wedding anniversary. The song and the whole album highlight the transition between my old, established "Me" and the supposedly more sophisticated construct that was becoming an "Us."

"Why is this a good name for my blog?" I have so much cynicism and frustration and disenfranchisement mixed with deep faith in God's plan, intense love for my wife, and a compelling motive to challenge myself to improve. I'm struggling constantly with this familiar feeling of being inadequately prepared for my lifestyle. I get that feeling from this song- the struggle mixed with the understanding that there is in fact good inherently built into the love and sex experiment we call marriage. DM is a mature band and I appreciate their lyrical depth. The musical power of the song sets the mood for where I'm starting this journey.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control

Can you say what you're trying to play anyway
I just pay while you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul like an animal
With no conscience, repentance unknown
Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds that are sown

I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real
No mistaking the faking, I care
With a prayer in the air I will leave it there
On a note full of hope not despair

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you concieve
You just need to achieve something that rings true